More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one close by thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the pavement.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Sometimes, I'll watch a film that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a film that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
Rubbing the batteries always releases more power. Always.
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"
If I got to a gig I find myself getting annoyed that other people know all the words or react well to my favourite songs because as far as I’m concerned I’m the only person who listens to the music I listen too. Going to concerts is like everyone finding out and pissing on my secret
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the present you knew Santa could never afford . .546 pictures!? Don't mind if I do!
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, you get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I’m sure I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this . . . Here, you have the buttons!
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? F@#k sake!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
The other night I ordered a takeaway, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included 2 sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least two people eating to require such a large amount of food. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my house everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if the police ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.